Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
