I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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