apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My liver just had a heart attack.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
