He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
