i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
