my mouth tastes like poor choices
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
