her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
