there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize