Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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