im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
