Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize