Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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