I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
