remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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