im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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