Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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