i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
found the other keg... it's in the tree
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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