I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
