Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
