I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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