he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
