she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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