Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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