Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
