Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
