I'm so fucking centered right now
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize