Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
