I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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