I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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