What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
