Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
