Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
