i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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