Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
