all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
