I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
