I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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