my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
