I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
