So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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