consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
