I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
