so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
