so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
