So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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