you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
