Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
