Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
