I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
