ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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