My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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