please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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