Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
