Michael Bay diarrhea
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
