one word: firstdatebathroomanal
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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