There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Even my vagina gasped.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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