Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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