If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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