Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize