Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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