About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
