Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
