I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
