im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
