farters have to be the big spoon...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
